#ucker Carlson, RENT, and Chips

Remember this, my fair friends, remember these proverbs... lines... sayings... what have you.

First: "Tongue in cheek"

Second: "Take it with a grain of salt"

Ok now first on tonight's plate, the ever wise Michael Caprio forwarded me the transcript to Tucker Carlson's last show where he interviewed Bruce Friedrich, some ninny from PETA, but before I get into that.. Let me say a few words about Tucker.

I hate him. This arrogant prick perpetually looks 25 even though he's in his late 30s by now. I hate him because he's constantly smiling with his eyes... and because he always seems jovial and good natured, even though you know the guy thinks he's God's gift to humanity. He is of course much smarter (in his mind) than all of his guests and callers. He is silver spoon fed and has lived in his life in a world of disillusionment likely surrounded by other elitists, journalists and Hollywood types. He generally agrees with the agenda of the right, (that's kind of his schtick) mainly just for the sake of agreement (Although I admit he was a dissenter after Katrina which impressed me... yet he depends on ratings, and that would have been really dim to support W and Browny on that front.)

I watched a show a few weeks back where he read a complaint by an Animal control officer not getting respected for the job they do. Tucker responds by saying they are "dog catchers" and the title "Animal control officer is a load of political correctness crap." He goes on to insult the intelligence of people who are ACOs, and says they must be too stupid to do any other job. Of course at the end of the episode an Animal control officer calls and asks for an apology, and Carlson with a smirk calls him stupid on air, and tells him his opinion isn't worth spit because he's nothing more than a worthless dog catcher.

OK... before ending my rant on what a jerk %ucker Carlson is, I hate to admit it, but I enjoy his commentary. Bottom line is Carlson is entertaining... and as much as I think the guy is a total ass... he can be funny, and he is sharp. And his curly locks, idiotic bow tie, and eternally smiling eyes (which make me feel violent at times) are a persona that evokes a certain charisma. It was a smart move, something that is rare in journalism, to develop a signature look. I do find myself quite interested in his shows, and occasionally they have some legitimacy as well.

Jon Stewart, who played somewhat of a role in Carlson getting fired from Crossfire, was on back during the Kerry/Bush race. You may find this transcript rather amusing.

Jon Stewart on Crossfire

Ok Caps, back to your PETA interview. Finally here is the link.

Taking on PETA over new ad campaign

From the people that brought you such gems as "Chicken farms are equivalent to the holocaust" comes PETA's new campaign, "Your Daddy Kills Animals".
I really think that PETA is a big practical joke. I think these guys go out and make these completely insane claims, and I think they are well aware of the absurdity. The whole premise of PETA is absurd, because really to fulfill their goals we should all just kill ourselves simultaneously and leave the world to the non-humans.
I really think these guys like Bruce, get back from "The Situation", they go home watch it and are rolling on the floor laughing, while they are eating beef jerky. I think they're laughing at all of the naive kids, college students, and old ladies they manage to brainwash. Really joining PETA is akin to "I hate people and I want to piss them off", or "I have a 76 IQ and I'm lucky I can breathe without instruction". Even if you are an extremist Animal Rights activist, I don't know how you could join an organization as morally reprehensible as PETA. Of course I feel similar sentiments about Greenpeace, however they look like civilized diplomatic geniuses next to PETA. These people are all just bored and desperately want attention. I have to give them some accolades for dreaming up some hysterical ways of offending people. If I could keep a straight face, I might join them just so I could be in on the joke. Just so I too could relish in the humor of all of the fools that actually take PETA seriously.

I must commend Carlson on his use of the word "axiomatic" and to Friedrich for using "hyperbole" in the same sentence while relating to "Saturday morning cartoons".

Ooohhh and here's Carlson in a priceless moment. CARLSON: "I've got four kids. Don't lecture me about kids. I know I would-if someone slipped this under my door, I'd punch them out. I couldn't handle it." Funny stuff! Am I right? :D Or, am I right? I wonder if he fights with his fists circling in front of him like a 1920s boxer, he'd probably wear a bow tie with is white T shirt, and I imagine he'd confront the distributor of the PETA propaganda by saying in a "Curly-like" voice "Oh? Wise Guy eehh?!"

On to my next topic.... RENT, yes I thought I'd take a few minutes to abuse this disparity of pop culture.

For those of you that saw Team America, wasn't the parody called "LEASE" fantastic?

Anyway... as many of you know, anything that is massively popular is usually going to be met by some criticism by me, because after all, most people have bad taste. Oh and before I forget, I'm better than most people too. :D I'll go into a bit more about the chip on my shoulder later, but for now, lets stick to bashing RENT.

Someone mentioned RENT to me a couple days ago, and I absently brushed it off as "It’s not my thing". What I should have said was "ITS REALLY REALLY not my thing". The problem is there are so many things that piss me off about the concept of RENT that I would have to devote some time to do so, and I would really have to gather my thoughts on the issue.

So tonight while I was eating two greasy artery clogging slices of pizza at the Hi-Fi in Cambridge, I was reading "dig" a free weekly alternative news magazine here in Boston. Low and behold there was a review of someone who saw RENT and it articulated what I also think about it, but was too tired to say. And not only that, it got the rage flowing in me, and really my creative juices too... making me realize to the fullest extent... Why RENT pisses me off. The following is the review.

RENT: A phony romp that makes you pay

Of course it starts off by dissing rock musicals... which to a great extent I'd agree with, but not totally. For example "Grease" is escapism, it isn't serious, it is fun. So no one takes grease really seriously because it is fantasy. Same thing for "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" its fun. So then you have some of your more serious rock band/ abstract Rock operas like "Tommy" by the Who, and "The Wall" by Pink Floyd. However they are abstract and bizarre, surreal. No one tries to claim they are realistic, but that they rather, explain life with absurd visuals and bizarre plots. Anyway, back to this great review... (or poor review depending on where your sovereignty lies)

David Wildman writes: "So it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen when you take an alleged rock musical, featuring a cheery plot where most of the characters are dying of AIDS, and then attempt to make a film about it. Watch out, world.

Now, for some reason that I will never fathom, throngs of people seemed to actually like the Broadway production of Rent in the ‘90s, and advanced screenings of the film version have packed local theatres. Then again, masses of people liked Friends in the ‘90s, too."

Wow, preach to the choir David... I hate Friends too! Its too perfect, pretty people with crappy jobs living in expensive places... and they are all superficial with the exception of Ross, who is well.. superficial and pathetic to boot.

I'll tell you David, Dave, Dav-O, I'll tell you why. I'LL TELL YOU WHY, I'll tell you why people like it. Because to not like it would be insensitive to the plight of those who have AIDS. Because AIDS is something we should all care about and fight to help stop. If you aren't a hep-cat you probably won't like rent. You probably think only homosexuals get AIDS. Not only are you a bigot but you are stupid, and insensitive, did I mention that you are INSENSITIVE?! Yes DAVE... how could you, how could you be so thoughtless... I bet you would like to burn the rainforest down too, wouldn't you. WOULDN'T YOU!? And you know what.. if you hadn't been such a prick and if you had actually liked RENT... if you weren't into environmental destruction, not to mention starving the old people and the homeless.... YES YES, that’s right. People who don't like RENT, obviously want to kill the homeless. In fact I'm sure that people who hate RENT, I'm sure they think that all of the homeless should die of AIDS. It would serve them right for being stinky homeless losers. I bet you anything all people who hate RENT think that.
SO Dave, RENT can be an entire Broadway production, and now movie, of mediocre filler songs, which aren't memorable. Songs with lyrics that should have never been sung with enthusiasm. Ballads that would make me want to watch CATS instead with Barbara Streisand performing every part. But you Dave, you have to like it, because if you don't, well you are just a really bad person.

That is why people like it, because they think it makes them politically aware. It makes them hip and liberal and in touch with inner city bohemians, who mind you are nothing like the people in RENT.

I like this particular line from the review: "Seeing the drag queen (Wilson Germain Heredia) singing and prancing around Washington Square Park drives home the crux of the matter here: As a play, Rent is already a naive, idealized urban fantasy hiding behind the real-life problem of AIDS; setting it in an actual urban environment only serves to throw its phoniness into sharp relief."

Part of what irks me is you have these suburbanites who have spent their lives learning ballet, or kids with trust funds who never paid for their own car insurance acting like they KNOW, like they can relate to poverty. They have a superior idealistic world-view, and they care. Now if any one of these actors and actresses met the people they played they would probably be repulsed and would treat them like vermin. Perhaps I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong.

To me the real battle on AIDS isn't the drug addicts and promiscuous people. Unfortunately most of these people will crash and burn with or without AIDS. They are people who are in serious need of help, and have given up on life. Most of them don't have incredible dreams... because hey.. let’s be real, most people generally don't have incredible dreams. And even less people who are addicts be it sexually or drug wise, are dreaming of the ten year plan. It’s more like how can I get the next fix, or recover from the last one. I feel pity for these people, but truthfully theirs is a different problem than a cure for AIDS.

The battle for AIDS in the United States is for victims of rape, naive teens, or others extraordinary circumstances like receiving tainted blood. People in today's world are well aware of the risks associated with dirty needles and sex. They just don't care, and so their plights really sadden me, but fighting it must be approached differently, and I don't necessarily see them as innocents, and I know that makes me an evil thoughtless person, but hey.. that is how it is. I'd much prefer advances in cancer or even heart disease because they strike in a more random manner, and more frequently.

Now people in Africa, can still claim ignorance and the situation there is a real tragedy and danger to the world. Those people need our help. They need to be shown the way to prevent this disaster.

Ok, last on the agenda tonight:

I have a chip on my shoulder. It is quite big, and weighty, and it is because I have better ideals, I'm smarter, and I'm prettier than nearly everyone (Except for maybe Tucker Carlson). I've decided that this Chip is such an asset that I'm going to begin manufacturing them. I'll call them "George's Original Plain Shoulder Chips". Now notice that I said they are plain. Now this is important because chips come in all different flavors. I personally believe that everyone should have a chip on their shoulder of their own making, their own tastes, yes indeed, their own flavor.

We all had different backgrounds, influences, life scarring events, traumas, obstacles, humiliating experiences, and insecurities. All of these are necessary to give your chip your own unique allure and specialty. Take your flaws and add flavor to "George's Original Plain Shoulder Chip" for the low one time only price of $19.95. And, yes, get this! If you call now I'll throw in your very own inflatable ego... because you can never be too proud. Remember "George's Original Plain Shoulder Chips" make wonderful holiday presents!